Sometimes I just drift off, forgetting that a writer is supposed to write. And then suddenly, I remember I have a blog. That other distractions need to be managed. And then I wonder if writing is a distraction too. Running from one distraction to another and ignoring reality, just what everyone is about these days. How to stay awake and aware?
Daydreaming. I have been dropping asleep in classes all the time and today I discovered that I am wide awake when I day dream. In a day dream I know exactly what I want, exactly what would be perfect. Scenes played out of my favourite movie. No distractions.
I opened my notes after I logged in onto my blog, thank god for the remember me option. And this poured out. Doesn’t even make sense. People I have given up on walked past me. I didn’t react, my heart didn’t clench in “hatred” and “betrayal”. Aparajita asked me, “Do they train you in indifference down there?” I think they do. I think that’s the plan. Exams and classes and politics are just distractions. It works like a vaccine against exams and classes and politics. I am indifferent to everything now. Shrugs.
What’s important to me? People go for denial and drugs. People go for an escape and drugs. Where do I go? I live off my head, I live in my head. Everything else is just a backdrop. I think Descartes would be proud of me, I prove his thesis. I’d be one perfect Descartian sculpture, living and breathing.
It would be ideal. I am the only thing that exists and puny humans keep walking around me, I can eliminate them in my head by just choosing to look past. Like a cat. There lies the solution for world peace. Just eliminate people in your head, or play with them like toys if they are agreeable. What a perfect social model!
I want to build my perfect little world. A perfect little corner somewhere which has everything to my liking. Something I always wanted but never hand. Something new everyday. Surrounded by people who like what I like, who are at peace in my world. A place like Disneyland. Yes, I want my own little one in a cozy suburban joint where connoisseurs visit to discuss art. I can’t picture it yet. I can feel the warm guzzling sound of coffee and the mixed aroma of a dozen teas, a tinkering of conversation and the pleasant sound of wind chimes everytime someone enters. Surreal to me, with its peculiar energy, but maybe just another place and just another distraction to others. And one regular customer who will be my soulmate.
#Nowplaying__ Creep- Radiohead